The other day I got this little email telling me about how my blog did during 2015. It started out strong, I guess. I was blogging consistently, receiving comments, likes, and even some new followers. It was good and then it sort of trailed off into nothing. A perfect comparison for my year outside of WordPress.
2014 was a disaster. It was awful, pitiful, sad, and irritating. I graduated college and was faced with the wonderful “now what?” I won’t go much into 2014 because it’s over and it’s done. It was almost two years ago now and knowing that somehow makes it less painful to think about.
That being said, I thought 2015 wouldn’t get much better. I was expecting this repeat of the last seven months I went through and I’m glad to say that it wasn’t. Near the start of March I gathered up some courage and sent in a short story I wrote to a literary journal. Then a few weeks later I summoned even more courage and got in contact with people for a job I had tried to get months ago.
Typically, I’m someone who shies away from these moments. I keep quiet and watch things happen without ever saying what I want. I just let things flow which I try to play off as me being a cool headed, slightly carefree person, but that isn’t true. I let things happen because I’m afraid of putting myself out there. I fear rejection, failure, embarrassment, and the like. So I stay quiet.
When I did these things, my heart was racing. I was afraid to look at my gmail because I didn’t want to see a rejection email. When I got an email back from the place I wanted to work at, I couldn’t open it. It sat in my inbox for hours in a separate tab because I couldn’t for the life of me look at it. And then I did. And they wanted to hire me.
In 2015 I got my first real job and I loved that job and I miss it. Even now I wish I was going back to it after New Year’s.
In April I received an email from the literary journal and they published my story that May. For the first time I had something of mine professionally published. It felt unreal. As someone who has always dreamed of being an author, this made my entire year. It’s an accomplishment I still find myself being amazed by. How did I pull that off?
In June I found out that I got a TA position at the grad school I was going to in the fall. A position that would pay for my tuition. Again, it felt unreal. Why were they choosing me? I wasn’t smart enough for that. After losing so much self confidence in 2014, I felt it steadily returning and it was an amazing feeling.
During the summer I started an internship for an online magazine and I’m going into my third semester with them simply because I like it. I remember applying for internship after internship in 2014 and to have one now that I love is strange. It’s comforting knowing that all that waiting paid off.
In August, I left my job to be a TA and I also moved into my first apartment and a new town. I haven’t gotten the hang of living alone, but it does make me feel more like an adult. Well, that and paying bills. The town, well, I don’t want to stay there long. I realized this after one week.
The last couple of months of 2015 have all been dedicated to grad school and they’ve been rough. This is why I find myself dreading 2016 and feeling a little bleh tonight. It’s 11:13pm right now and I don’t know if I’m ready for the new year. I’m not sure if I still have all the courage or self confidence I found in 2015. If anything, I just feel drained. This is part of the reason why I stopped blogging. Why I couldn’t think of interesting things to say or find inspiration. I feel exhausted almost like I had a nice, light jog and then realized I needed to sprint to get past the finished line. Now I’m lying on the track thinking “I have to do all of that again?!”
I have been writing though. I’ve been writing my novel and countless little stories. I haven’t been reading as much which needs to be fixed, but I haven’t stopped writing. If anything, I’ve been writing more.
In 2016, I hope I find my footing again. I could fall flat on my face, but I’ll still give it a try.
I hope that you have a good 2016 too with some amazing days.
Half an hour to the new year.