The other day I got this little email telling me about how my blog did during 2015. It started out strong, I guess. I was blogging consistently, receiving comments, likes, and even some new followers. It was good and then it sort of trailed off into nothing. A perfect comparison for my year outside of WordPress.
2014 was a disaster. It was awful, pitiful, sad, and irritating. I graduated college and was faced with the wonderful “now what?” I won’t go much into 2014 because it’s over and it’s done. It was almost two years ago now and knowing that somehow makes it less painful to think about it.
That being said, I thought 2015 wouldn’t get much better. I was expecting this repeat of the last seven months I went through and I’m glad to say that it wasn’t. Near the start of March I gathered up some courage and sent in a short story I wrote to a literary journal. Then a few weeks later I summoned even more courage and got in contact with people for a job I had tried to get months ago.
Typically, I’m someone who shies away from these moments. I keep quiet and watch things happen without ever saying what I want. I just let things flow which I try to play off as me being a cool headed, slightly carefree person, but that isn’t true. I let things happen because I’m afraid of putting myself out there. I fear rejection, failure, embarrassment, and the like. So I stay quiet.
When I did these things, my heart was racing. I was afraid to look at my gmail because I didn’t want to see a rejection email. When I got an email back from the place I wanted to work at, I couldn’t open it. It sat in my inbox for hours in a separate tab because I couldn’t for the life of me look at it. And then I did. And they wanted to hire me.
In 2015 I got my first real job and I loved that job and I miss it. Even now I wish I was going back to it after New Year’s.
In April I received an email from the literary journal and they published my story that May. For the first time I had something of mine professionally published. It felt unreal. As someone who has always dreamed of being an author, this made my entire year. It’s an accomplishment I still find myself being amazed by. How did I pull that off?
In June I found out that I got a TA position at the grad school I was going to in the fall. A position that would pay for my tuition. Again, it felt unreal. Why were they choosing me? I wasn’t smart enough for that. After losing so much self confidence in 2014, I felt it steadily returning and it was an amazing feeling.
During the summer I started an internship for an online magazine and I’m going into my third semester with them simply because I like it. I remember applying for internship after internship in 2014 and to have one now that I love is strange. It’s comforting knowing that all that waiting paid off.
In August, I left my job to be a TA and I also moved into my first apartment and a new town. I haven’t gotten the hang of living alone, but it does make me feel more like an adult. Well, that and paying bills. The town, well, I don’t want to stay there long. I realized this after one week.
The last couple of months of 2015 have all been dedicated to grad school and they’ve been rough. This is why I find myself dreading 2016 and feeling a little bleh tonight. It’s 11:13pm right now and I don’t know if I’m ready for the new year. I’m not sure if I still have all the courage or self confidence I found in 2015. If anything, I just feel drained. This is part of the reason why I stopped blogging. Why I couldn’t think of interesting things to say or find inspiration. I feel exhausted almost like I had a nice, light jog and then realized I needed to sprint to get past the finished line. Now I’m lying on the track thinking “I have to do all of that again?!”
I have been writing though. I’ve been writing my novel and countless little stories. I haven’t been reading as much which needs to be fixed, but I haven’t stopped writing. If anything, I’ve been writing more.
In 2016, I hope I find my footing again. I could fall flat on my face, but I’ll still give it a try.
I hope that you have a good 2016 too with some amazing days.
Half an hour to the new year.